Are You Trying for Another?

I've recently been getting this question a LOT. It seems that because Jack is now 1.5 years old, many people feel it makes sense to start trying for a second baby, right? I do understand the innocence and positive motive behind the question, however it can be damaging to ask someone if they're trying to have a baby for several different reasons. And again, this isn't meant to make anyone feel guilty for asking someone if they're trying to have a baby, it's meant to educate you on why it's best not to ask.

Firstly, many people may not want children, or may only want one children. I'm sure some folks think it's safe to assume that, since you have one, you of course need to give that baby a sibling. But in reality, and in this society that we currently live in, it's not always possible to have multiple babies right now. Babies are expensive. Having another baby means double the expenses. When you are asking a mama if she's trying to have another, you might be bringing up some guilt that she's harboring because, she would love another baby, but she cannot afford it with how much daycare and diapers and organic fresh food is (only the best for our babes, right?). And really, is there anything at all wrong with only wanting one baby to love and spoil and give everything they need because that's what you can afford-or even-that's just all you have room in your heart for? Nope. It's great, it's wonderful.

Another issue that arises with this question that is, by the way, very typical of the current auntie and grandmother generation, is that someone might be trying and struggling to conceive. I get that in the olden days people had 8 plus children, (my grandmother being one of them and she would have had more if the doctors let her) but it's just no longer the case. For whatever reason-environmental changes, dietary differences, who knows, it's not like it used to be. Most people will take about 6-8 months to conceive. This can seem like the longest 6-8 months of your life. You get really down on yourself. You think you're the problem and wonder what you could be doing differently to make things work. So whilst this inner struggle is already going on in your own head, that last thing you need is the pressures of friends and family around you reminding you that you are not achieving this.

Lastly (not necessarily the last reason, but the last thing I want to talk about) is miscarriage. I feel like many people struggle to talk about miscarriage, but it's kind of crazy how common they are. Because it's not really talked about, many women and families hide this from family and friends when they are going through it. Being asked if you are trying for a baby or another baby while also dealing with the tragic struggle of going through a miscarriage can be possible the most damaging time to ask someone this question. Being constantly reminded of this devastating loss by getting these questions from family and friends can really take a mental toll on a person that is already going through an enormous mental struggle. Be mindful of this possibility.

So, it might sound safe to ask someone when they will try for another, but it's really best to leave it alone. I totally understand the curiosity behind it, and maybe you have a sibling that you would love to be an auntie or uncle to, or a friend who you know would just be the best mama, but the truth is they could be trying at this very moment, going through $50 of ovulation strips a month, and on 7 different period tracking apps just to get it right after months of wishing and hoping. I also want to share that these scenarios are not necessarily all my personal experience with fertility, but it's important to know that people around you every day can be going through these things and are not comfortable sharing these details with you.

My advice, give couples and families space during family planning. If they want to include you on the details of their planning, they will. If you're that curious, ask someone that they might be close with, (they might not even know, too) but try to refrain, at all costs, from asking this question to anyone.

xo Courtney