Going Back to Work Sucks.

It really doesn't matter how long of a maternity leave you get. Whether it's 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 years. Going back to work after giving birth just sucks. Yes, becoming a mother is a very tough transition, but becoming a working mother is even worse. There are so many beautiful, profound things about becoming a mother. There is nothing beautiful about returning to work as mother. Nothing. And if there is, please let me know because I have yet to find them.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. I love teaching tiny humans. But since giving birth, my life's purpose has totally shifted. Being Jack's mother comes first, always. I try to remind myself that the reason that I am working, is to make a life for Jack. Without my job, so many things wouldn't be possible for our family. We truly do need my paycheck. I sometimes get jealous of SAHM's who get to spend every moment with their child, watching them grow. Of course, teaching is the next best thing, right? Summer's off with your kiddos, winter and spring breaks together. But I will say, teaching is really tough and high stress post-covid, and there is a reason for the teacher shortage.

When I went back to work, my son was three months old. I had about 5-6 weeks left of the school year. My family and my husbands family helped and took turns watching Jack (I also ended up taking another unpaid 7 days somewhere in between there) so that I could return to work. The first day was tough, but what came after it was actually way worse. My coworkers were so sweet, everyone hugging me and telling me they know how hard it is and they are sad for me. My boss wasn't so sympathetic (one of the many reasons I left that job and moved on earlier this year). In the six weeks that I returned to work, I remember telling everyone, "Yes, I am physically here, but emotionally & mentally I am with my son at home." The shift from three months at home with Jack to being more present at work was super challenging for me, and after the summer break I had to reset yet again. My heart was just not in it, and I longed to be with my son at home.

Over a year later and I am absolutely more present at work, especially in my new role (I love my new job and I highly suggest changing jobs if you hate your current one, because that shit comes home with you too, and effects your family). When I returned to work I felt like I was doing it because I had to, not at all because I wanted to. No part of me wanted to be there, and I think my body language and the work I was actually producing made that very clear. But the sad part is, I was absolutely doing the best I could. But it wasn't good enough. Little did my boss know, I was up every two to three hours a night nursing my son back to sleep. During my breaks, I was in the "pump room" (how about jail cell that they deemed appropriate for a room to pump breastmilk) with no wifi or cell service to even do work if I wanted to. And when I came home, I had a little babe pulling at my leg while I wash his daycare bottles, make him dinner, make myself dinner, make my lunch for the next day, and bathe him, until 6:30 at night, when my husband would finally get home from work.

All in all, this didn't leave much time during the day to shower, let alone be productive at my job. But my boss didn't give a rats ass. Not about me, not about my kid. It's funny how a lot of jobs pretend they care about employees mental health, right? (I am currently in a new job and they actually do care and it matters) My old district would preach about it all the time, but here I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Not only getting no sleep and having my son suck the life out of me (literally), but being beaten up each day by my students, chasing them down the hallways of the school, having my glasses slapped off of my face, with zero support, only to be constantly told, "You're not doing enough, do more." Yeah, this definitely made me feel supported.

I am not sure if it was the shift of my job to a new one, the dwindling of my pumping at work, or Jack starting to sleep through the night (they all sort of happened simultaneously), but going back to work after your babe does get easier. If you can take the first year off, I applaud you and encourage you to do so, because it does truly get easier after that. The less bottles you have to wash the better. I do not miss the bottles.

If you are currently a mama going back to work soon, or just started going back to work, I understand how you may be feeling, but it gets better! So much better. You get into your routine and you figure it out because you have to. It just becomes the norm. But it's okay to wish you were back on maternity leave snuggling your bundle and ordering Doordash for lunch every day. I totally miss it. I never won't. But I thank God every night that I have a job that helps me feed Jack, clothe Jack, and house Jack. It's all worth it for him. And it'll be worth it for you and your family, too!

xo Courtney